I can't let go.

Of everything I've been through. I act strong on the outside, but I think about certain things, that I'm no ready to talk about, every single day. It haunts me. The more I think about them, the more stressed out I get about them, and I can't forget them, no matter how hard I try. I tried to take my life, a few years back, because of these things, and so much more has happened. I've been through so much. I've had so many bad things happen to me.

Yet, I would consider myself to be lucky. I have a rock, a reason to live, keeping me here. My daughter. I want to see her grow up. I want to give her advice when she needs it. I want her to truly be able to know who I am, what I stand for, and what I've accomplished.

But everyday I think about all the shit I was put through in my life, and how I ALWAYS had to put a smile on my face and act like everything was okay. I always had to be strong. I had to be an adult when my age was still in the single digits. I had to grow up way too fast. My maturity level is that of someone who has already graduated from college and I'm stuck in high school. It drives me crazy. I just want to move on with my life, but I can't stop thinking about this shit.

That's why I started THIS blog.
I'm slowly getting up the courage to put it out there.

We'll see.

~Ashley~

Ashley then and now.

I don't remember much of that night...
I remember taking a bottle of pills. I don't remember what they were. I remember running. I remember it being dark and cold. My left arm freezing and aching. My body kept wanting to fall down but I kept pushing myself. Running and running. I remember going inside somewhere, that wasn't my home, but I don't remember where. The next thing I remember is sitting in an ambulance, the siren hurt my head. They wrapped my arm with gauze. I remember a bad taste and throwing up. I remember being put in a room with only a bed, for what seemed like hours. Then I was brought into an elevator and they got mad because I had to make sure that every single button was lit up. Then I was put in another room with a round table that was too big for the room, that had a computer mounted on a wall. I sat in a chair and answered all questions. I remember a few.
Q. What did you take?
A. I don't remember.
Q. Where did you run to?
A. I don't remember.
Q. Do you cut?
A. Do you have eyes?

Eventually they put me in a room alone, and I picked the bed farthest away from the door. I Sat on the bed and looked out the window. A few hours later everyone else came out into the lobby. I didn't want to come out.
---------------------

That was three years ago. A lot has changed since then. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I still have those feelings sometimes BUT now I really know my reasons for not acting on them. I have a beautiful daughter that I want to see grow up and have her know her biological mother. I have an amazing boyfriend that I can talk to about anything. I have some of the best friends a person could ask for. The kind of friends that are there for me no matter what.

Life is stressful. I'm not going to lie. When things are low, they get better. As I continue to write, you'll see that things really do. I've been through a lot. I know there are people that have had it worse, but I'm hoping that with me telling my story, it will inspire those people to be able to open up and let it out. So the burden of carrying these secrets, comes off their shoulders.

~Ashley~

I don't know.

It's been really hard for me to be able to talk about some of the things that have happened in my life, and there are certain things, that very few people know about me. There are also things that only one person, knows about me. I don't know where to start. Any ideas? It's hard for me to open up and this blog isn't meant for sugar coating, but at the same time, I don't want to throw it all up.............


It's been a stressful couple of days, so I forgot about this, as soon as I made it, pretty much.


~Ashley~

Welcome.

This is my blog. My words. My thoughts. What I need to get out. What I want to share. If you have a problem with what I'm posting, stop reading.

First, I would like to say that it is hard to open up about things, that's normal, but I cant honestly say that I feel better when I'm not holding things inside.  Also, I encourage people to open up to each other. If you don't feel comfortable and are scared of other's reactions, I am always here if you need to talk. Just message me. It stays between you and I.

I'll blog, for real, later.
~Ashley~